6/25- prayer

four more hours

i'm mostly done
...probably not really

but for more hours
until the meeting at 6:30

which is actually slightly nerve wracking (sp?)
actually..pretty very nerve racking (sp?)

basically cuz as soon as that meeting hits
it goes on till like 9:30 or ten
which means it goes on till evening
which happens to be
and always has been
the end of the day

basically its that feeling of knowing that...
after that meeting

it's India
India's all that's left to go from there

no more packing, preparing, to do list checking
just India

all these questions come up
am i ready yet? can i do this? is my heart right?
where has my heart been all this time?

am i really worthy of this opportunity to serve?
will i be able to...with the right heart?

i guess you can say its huge
or little
no matter how i try to look at it
doesn't change the feeling at the bottom of my stomach that i get when i think about it

i'm not sure if its a heavy feeling
and im sure a big part of it is fear

i'm excited too of course, but still just...scared
what if, what if, what if
lots of what if's after another

i want to learn
i want to grow
i want to serve others, Lord,
for You

will i be able to set my heart right?
how much will i stumble on myself or be hindered from growth?

i still feel too self centered
and i wonder if i've made people an idol in my life somehow
even though technically we're supposed to love God
and people

but i dont want to love in a self-serving way

i want to give what i can
but i don't know what i have to give

i'm not confident

and i've been distracted for far too long.

i want to hear Your voice, Lord
i want it to be the first and only that leads me

i want to love on these children
and stop listing to many "i want's" while i'm at it

i want (agh another one) to hear
what You want

i want to serve, or help, or love or do something

but i know You don't need me
and that no matter what Your will will be done

it's an honor to be
a part of Your plan

but i don't know how not to be scared
of being the part that fails